Grains of Acceptance
November 15th, 2008 by Remcyl
The following article is my personal official entry to the Philippine Daily Inquirer’s column, Young Blood. I have been wanting to send an article for the longest time now, but has not found the right topic to write about. When I finally did, I had no doubts about it whatsoever. Hopefully, if it would be up to the paper’s standards, it would be published.
I came out to my dad a couple of years ago. I was fooling around with my studies and I was about to tell him. He drove fast on our way home, I knew he was upset. But before I opened the door to my side, he stopped me and gave me a hug and said how much he loves me, and ever since, I still got the same treatment from my dad as if nothing happened. It’s as if nothing was revealed.
I was in the middle of my one-year relationship with my ex. The movie shown in theaters that time was entitled A Love Story and I just came back from the date with Chris (my ex). My mother wanted to know how my day went so I told her who I was with. I could tell she was noticing how often the days I’m with Chris are so she said, “O, baka a love story na din kayo ni Chris?” (Maybe you and Chris have a love story as well?). I knew no moment could be better to tell her about who I truly am than that exact moment. I nodded, and immediately, she broke down in tears.
She cried like I never saw her cried. Her disappointment filled the room with an unbreakable silence. She blames herself for allowing me to grow up in my grandmother’s house where every move of mine was tolerated. She blames herself for not being as strict as she wanted herself to be with the games I play and the people I play them with.
But I kept telling her how none of it was her fault. I was born gay, and it was something I didn’t hide. I acted out how I wanted to. I spoke how I wanted myself to be heard. I think what my heart screams out. The signs were all there, which is why I never thought it needed a confirmation, for no one bothered asking it anyway.
My mother was the last to know of my sexuality.
She was expecting me to be straight, I on the other hand, was expecting my mother to accept me the same way my dad did. Was it wrong for me to expect something like that from her? In a sense, my expectations were inevitable in my situation. I was closer to my mom than I was to my dad. She was the one I confide to in times of trouble and my backbone through thick and thin.
But my expectations, though they were not that high, disappointed me along the way. I had several accomplishments in school, I was able to earn six thousand from a graphic art project Chris gave me, I hosted events here and there, and so much more. None of them made her happy. It seemed as if every accomplishment I had was washed out just because of the fact that I was gay.
It has been about a year now since I came out to my mom. I am currently in a relationship with someone I could truly love with no limitations, Paul John Parayno. We have the same aspirations. We want to get married when we part with our parents, we both want kids, and together, we would solidify the foundation of our future with our chosen careers.
One day, my partner decided to introduce me to his family. Not as his friend, not as his classmate, nor the cousin of his best buddy, but as his boyfriend. With my previous relationships, I was never the one introduced, so to me, this was a first. Just the thought of me being introduced gave me happiness beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve always believed him to be serious with me, but this decision of his justified it even more.
My nerves started kicking in when we were on our way to their house. I really had no idea what to expect, but whatever the day had in store for me, I was ready to face it. I’ve been waiting for such opportunity for the longest time and now that it’s in my grasp, I have to make the best relationship possible.
His mom was in their receiving area when we arrived together with Paul’s siblings. They welcomed me with the warmest hellos as I gave them the respect they deserve by doing the Filipino tradition of pagmamano. The kind of closeness their family has was indescribable, and having been welcomed as their son’s future husband (considering all the possibilities), made my heart smile to be a part of it.
I was never hesitant to introduce him to my family, especially to my mother. I’ve figured, the more I hide it, the more I justify to her how wrong it is to be homosexual, and everything I’ve been fighting for would be a waste.
I could feel my mom’s resistance to his presence when I introduced him. He was right beside me, but to her, he was a shadow of my footsteps. This broke not only my partner’s heart, but broke my soul.
He never even had the chance to prove himself and his love for me, and already he was judged. My mom has this certain preconceived notion that every guy I date only has one goal in the relationship, and that is for me to be their sugar daddy. I admit, compared to my two other siblings, I save a lot more than they do with what I’m earning on my freelance work, but I know how to control myself and I am wise enough to smell a modus operandi. I told my partner, to just let it pass. I gave up on my mom’s acceptance, for only time could conclude her judgment on the matter.
I recently came back from a month-long duty in Manila. When my parents went to the big city to pick me up, I was surprised with what my mom told me out of the blue. She uttered in her mouth the words I’ve wanted to hear 15 months late. She said that she finally accepts me for the person that I am, the person I would become, and the person I choose to be with. With much bliss in my heart, not only was I silenced, but I was also motionless.
The entire thought of a person coming out to his parents is a stressful situation one must be prepared to handle. It is usually not as bad as you think it is, because usually, we fear the unknown making everything a nerve-racking experience. If there was one thing I’ve realized from the whole chapter of my life, it could only be one thing. Your parents may never be able to understand who you are and where you’re coming from, you may never see the light of day when it happens, but at the end of the day, you could never hate the two people who made your existence possible (with the blessing of a higher being). Maybe for others accepting the kind of sexuality we have could be deprived from us, but they could never deprive us for our right to live the life we choose. Our choice, our consequences, our journey.
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So during our trip to Antipolo, we visited my relatives over at Edsa Kamuning to hand out my gift to my dear godson.
